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Girls dictionary: No = Yes , Maybe = No , We need = I want , We need to talk = I wanna compalin. 
Women need to learn that "most of my friends are guys" just means you have a list of dudes who are trying to bone you.
And then Jesus said, “when I come back in three days, I better not see any eggs. I don’t care what you do – hide’em, paint’em, just get rid of them.”
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
If I've learned anything from my 7-day Detox, it's that I love toxins.
f a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper that says "snacks".
has just realized that if you change the word 'wand' to 'wang' in the Harry Potter books... they suddenly become a lot more amusing.
Tried to kill a cockroach with Aqua Net and now it smokes two packs a day, joined my bowling league and calls itself Brenda
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a group of grains that could have become beer but didn’t.
They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,... why don't you ever smile in my pictures?
I think money attracts the females you want, struggle attracts the woman you need..
Drivers are being told to stay off the roads. Lucky for me, I am in a ditch
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
I bet the worst person to have negotiating you down from a ledge would be the members of Van Halen.
maybe Tom Brady destroyed his phone because there were pics of Brett farves junk
Happy anniversary to the love of my life, and her husband Steve.
I got my son a stripper for his birthday. My wife wasn't impressed, but it's not every day he turns 4.
Right before I die, I'm getting my hand stamped,,,,, Just in case I wanna come back in again. 