snotty Funny Status Messages

   Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.

   My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.

   Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is crazy enough lately. .. ugh

   It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.

   In China it's considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

   It’s funny how watching your kids get older is both the best and the worst thing ever

   Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.

   Wow. Hard to believe in only a month my wife and daughters will be returning the gifts I bought them.

   I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China

   I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

   Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

   I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."

   Everytime this post is liked,, a Member of Congress gets kicked in the genitals.

   I find it highly suspicious that the three bears had the dexterity to buy furniture and make porridge in the first place.

   Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

   Day 12.. I haven't eaten apple in a week,, the doctors are slowly getting thru the barricade, I won't last very long, tell my family I love em

   They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.

   I predict Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year

   I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.