Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

View All Funny Status Messages

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Trump Filter: ON | OFF

Search Messages:
Page: 1 of 4933

   messageicon My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make me breakfast.
←Rate | 01-16-2017 12:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
←Rate | 01-17-2017 09:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nice try, Tom Selleck, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived at Robin Masters Mansion for like eight years
←Rate | 01-16-2017 16:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got home tonight and my girlfriend had on this little slinky outfit. which only really worked when she went down stairs .
←Rate | 01-17-2017 01:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it's not what you think...
←Rate | 01-14-2017 08:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.
←Rate | 01-13-2017 15:40 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon So I read that Uber is going to start using self-driving cars to drive people around... Which is a great idea.. But I'm just thinking, if a car drives up to my house to take me somewhere with nobody in it.. I'm pretty sure I just got myself a new car...
←Rate | 12-17-2016 15:59 by Bryan j brown Comments (0)  

   messageicon For next season's "Survivor" series, let's get 16 college millennials and force them to live in the real world.
←Rate | 01-04-2017 09:02 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Balloons are so much more expensive than when I was a kid... Probably due to,,,,, you know,, inflation.
←Rate | 12-11-2016 19:24 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon What this country needs is more unemployed politicians....
←Rate | 01-06-2017 07:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
←Rate | 01-10-2017 08:57 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yup .... Sex with a 50 year old woman is pretty much the same as with a 20 year old with the exception that is has little chance of magically transforming into a child support payment.
←Rate | 01-11-2017 22:27 Comments (1)  

   messageicon What if all those coins you keep finding on your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
←Rate | 01-10-2017 01:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
←Rate | 01-10-2017 13:12 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon "In 300 feet you will arrive at your destination. But it was never about the destination. It was about the journey." -Buddhist GPS
←Rate | 01-10-2017 07:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Once again, I'm a distant runner-up for TIME magazine's 'Person Of The Year'. I'm beginning to think it's rigged...
←Rate | 12-08-2016 01:25 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
←Rate | 01-11-2017 14:21 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon It is amazing how many people have bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.
←Rate | 12-30-2016 06:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
←Rate | 12-17-2016 08:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation....
←Rate | 12-12-2016 08:54 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left