Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Live such that when the mortician prepares you for your funeral, he must struggle to get that grin off your face.

   If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.

   A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I've probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.

   To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Saturday morning: Try holding the other end.

   Justin Bieber has grown a mustache. His transformation into a teenage mexican girl is now complete.

   The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or frisbee or something?

   I bet there's a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights

   There's nothing I hate more than joggers on the beach. I don't need to be reminded how out of shape I am on vacation a $$hole.

   When you think your life couldn't be any more pathetic, remember some people have more than 1 Facebook account.

   My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."

   When attacked by a bear, play dead. Make his meal less stressful. It's not all about you.

   You had me at hello...oh you weren't talking to me.

   I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"

   I'm thinking the woman with 4 kids on leashes at Walmart should probably stop buying her condoms at Walmart.

   It's like the women in this bar don't know how close I am to getting my own apartment.

   I just bought a medical alert bracelet. It says "Probably just sh*tfaced"

   Given the exploding population of idiots in our communities, I think it’s about time we required people to pass a test first before they are allowed to vote. We can’t afford to put our destiny in the hands of clueless idiots.

   Hey husbands, only 2 more days to get your wife a gift for Valentine's Day so she can be less angry at you for about 3 hours.

   I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.

   I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.