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I was on my driving lesson when the instructor said, "You need to change gear." I said, "Sorry I just feel comfortable dressed as a scuba diver." 
Have you noticed in movies they ask someone wearing a mask "who are you?"
It's a dog eat dog world...In case you didn't realize before hand...I eat puppies for breakfast.
If you see Ghost Rider backwards is about a dead guy who after eating the soul of a demon and is punish becoming Nicolas Cage
Definition of a guy who knows nothing about women: A guy who thinks PMS is that american tv channel that shows like Nova and Antiques Roadshow come on.
After being dumped, everyone should have the right to tie their ex up and interrogate them.
Hang on, let me change from my home flip flops to my going out flip flops. Then we can go.
You people can keep blaming your weight/waist or tight fitting clothes on the holidays if you want, but I am not going to lie to myself or others. I was fat in August!
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I'm not really interested
Guys who drink light roast coffee.... Does it bother your wife that she has to be the man in the family?
Why are women like KFC? After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Sign up now for my new fitness program! Clowns with guns chase you until you are thin... Also we put spiders in your food.
Excuse me, Pink Floyd... It's "We don't need ANY education."
Every time a vending machine eats your dollar that's just Jesus telling you that you're fat.
Train A leaves Station B in 32 minutes. Train C arrives at Station B in 30 minutes. Using a pencil and paper, write down your debit card pin.
Colorado has now legalized pot for retail sales?....I can't wait to see the t.v. comercials for that product. A "dude" comes on t.v. saying things like. "do you have trouble sleeping 18-20 hours a day" or "are cartoons not as funny now as they were when y
My toaster just got broken, now I have to eat raw bread like an animal til the next payday
Be careful,,, A vetrinary receptionist has the power to know everyone's password.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like having your wedding reception at Applebees
My therapist said I should tap more into my creative side, so I just made a hash pipe using a Kiwi and a ball point pen. 