Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn't have known it's summer.

   There’s a thin line between “I should do a joke about that” and “I should talk to my therapist about that”

   I am a single mom raising 5 electronic gadgets and a couch all by myself.

   I bet Aaron Hernandez is pretty pumped he can legally marry his cell mate.

   Happy "Hold my beer while I light this" Day!!!

   The Rockets should now Hire Stan Van Gundy just to see the look on Dwight Howard's face.

   It's pretty cool how vodka always has such 'great' ideas.

   ATTENTION ALL WHO WORK WITH THE PUBLIC--everyone is stuck in stupid mode today, a smack to the back of the head should trigger the reset button!

   Dating: I love your taste in music! Married: I got you headphones for your birthday.

   Just watched Miley Cyrus' VMA performance on YouTube... I'm on my way now to the health department to get tested for herpes.

   Joan Rivers doesnt look a day over $225,000

   Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious

   When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.

   If I ever ask how your day is going, any response other than "fine" will be considered an act of aggression.

   What's the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?

   It's almost that time of year again when I get to pretend I'm Dexter and all the pumpkins are evil.

   If you're easy to get, then you're easy to forget.

   Everyone at this Walgreens is acting like I'm the only person to ever scream out their safe word while getting a flu shot.

   Apparently being a "Kid at heart" isn't a good enough excuse to have a Batman themed wedding :(

   I only have one sexual preference and that's as often as possible please.