Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Belated congrtulations to Earth for being 63-0 in Miss Universe competitions

   90% of what goes on in a cat's head is "I wonder how I can get them to look at my butthole?"

   Tell me more about your pillow forts, is there a bar inside?

   If you could be any kind of salad you want, what kind of bacon cheeseburger would you be?

   So far I'm 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.

   It's like my kids don't even believe how cool I was in the 90s.

   Ommpa Loompa Doopity Do. Fake tanning lotion ain't working for you.

   The older I get the more I realise there are no grown ups and nobody knows what the f*ck they're doing.

   I feel a spree coming on. It's either shopping or killing, I haven't decided yet.

   Most great musicians die young, unfortunately we're going to be stuck with Kanye West for a while

   The French have announced they've sent a peace keeping force to Ukraine. They've managed to secure the city of Chernobyl without any resistance.

   I want to be the guy in the studio audience of "Wheel of Fortune" who stands up and shouts, "D! SHE WANTS THE D!" then calmly walks out.

   Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account

   BREAKING NEWS: The Last person just finished voting in Florida....

   That tandem horse costume would look a lot better on my bedroom floor.

   The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....

   If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

   Most girls: "I hangout with guys, there's less drama." Me: "I hangout by myself. There's no drama

   Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever.

   I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he's ironing.