Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   step aside, I have a spork!

   trying to figure out how many Sham-Wows I'm gonna need to soak up all the water in my truck after leaving the window down for 2 days...

   The History Channel isn't what it used to be.

   Everytime I get on facebook, I feel like I am shopping at Lowe's for bathroom updates.

   I like the way you think. It's almost as if you don't.

   I'm a much better fighter now that I have a blackbelt. I was f-kin hopeless when my trousers kept falling down.

   Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

   Here is a great way to manage people; look for the good in them and then tell them about it.

   When I was a boy, we didn't bail countries out. We took their land.

   Some "smart phone." Can't even tell the difference between a "Missed Call" and a "Purposely Ignored and Sent Straight to Voicemail" one.

   Tell me... What came first the chicken or the salmonella?

   The first person who was used for a silhouette must have been ridiculously ugly. "Woah, change of plans. Instead of a portrait, how about we just take the shadow of your face?"

   Facebook is Big Brother. lol To NOT share all your info with other websites, go to Account>Privacy Settings> Applications and Websites> and UNCHECK "Instant Personalization"

   It's kinda bad when other drunk drivers are lookin over at you like "Damn that dude really needs to pull it together"

   I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with keyboards

   call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight

   Teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing exactly alike.

   I hate to sound so skeptical but I'm starting to think that The Office isn't a real documentary.

   ok, the dude was on the no flight list 24 hrs prior to him boarding the plane, but the airlines werent aware of it cuz they update they database every 24 hrs??? better hit that "Refresh" button every hour then, Gee!

   Some people have an inflated view of their importance in my life.