Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

   Not sure I'm going to heaven. At this point in my life, the best I can hope for is the low humidity section of hell.

   Why is it that the people who say "You don't need 500 rounds of ammunition" are the same people who are buying 500 rolls of toilet paper?

   I can't believe it's riot season already. I still have my COVID19 decorations up.

   if being sarcastic burned calories, I'd look like a total crackhead.

   “How about a holiday all about awkwardness and failed expectations?” – pitch for Valentines Day

   Being rude to your waiter is the equivalent of saying, "Would you please spit in my food or perhaps do something worse?"

   What the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH What my kids read: Touch when nobody is looking

   I was playing with my new toaster in the bathtub today when I read the warning label and it said not to. I was shocked.

   Never have I seen humans turn on their fellow man faster than when someone holds up a checkout line.

   New survey: 55% of men expect to pay on the 1st date. While the other 45% have never been on a 2nd date.

   Everyday, I brush my teeth & say "That's it. You can't squeeze anymore toothpaste out of this tube." Then everyday, I do.

   I really hate people who say, "I know something about you but I cant tell you" Well, I know something about you too and its that you are an a$$hole.

   Had many interesting conversations today, but don't remember any of them... Come to think of it, I wasn't even listening.

   2012 doesn't mean the end of the world. It just means its time to buy a new Mayan calendar...that's how a f*cking calendar works. It ends.

   I'm not saying you're easy, but when I look up something to do in your town it gives me your address.

   Wait - so we're NOT supposed to eat the Silica Gel packet?

   Every business has its busy season. The gyms are now bracing for their two-week onslaught of door crashers.

   A friend in need is a friend who's going straight to voicemail.

   I emailed my congressman about SOPA and PIPA. I have no doubt that the government will not care though. . .