Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.

   Be your own best friend. Everyone will be jealous.

   I like the fact that you can see someone's location on their Facebook profile. Because It makes it easier for me to avoid them.

   They've installed a machine at the BAR which tells you when to stop drinking. Its called an ATM.

   Last night,,, I dreamt about Christopher Walken and Gilbert Gottfried rap battling...... (You're welcome, for that mental imagery)

   My ex-wife is living proof of how stupid I can be.

   There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

   i don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.

   Facebook needs a 'Wow that's the dumbest f*cking thing I've ever heard, you should be punched in the throat' button.

   I broke a light bulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles..... Fly is dead.

   the only horoscope you will ever need goes like this: Planets are doing stuff, so it's a good day to do stuff but be prepared in case bad stuff happens.

   take your wife's hyphenated last name as a clue that she wants everyone to find her, including that one guy that did that thing.

   so excited: my DVD collection of "Hoarders" is almost complete! And on VHS. And on Blu-ray and 8mm film. And LaserDisc. Where's my cat?

   New plan for the weekend: free Charlie Sheen and party with him.

   Learn from the past, live for today, look for tomorrow, take a nap this afternoon.

   at the airport and not too upset about going through a full-body scan... what I am REALLY upset about is that this Enzyte stuff totally DOESN'T WORK AT ALL!

   Drinking is a problem only if you're not good at it. To me, everything you listed is proof that I am very good at it.”

   The fastest way to get ahold of a live person at AT&T is to scream obscenities at the voice prompts.

   My kid won't listen and my wife won't shut up! Bye bye Sanity. It was nice knowing you.

   This day would have started better if one of you had brought me coffee in bed.