Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife said I don't do enough work around the house. Its like she thinks this FB account just runs itself.........smh

   First time I ever saw a dry-erase board I said "that's remarkable."

   Married people are the best flirters.

   Do you know how many people were gored in Spain during the running of the bulls? Same as last year: Not enough

   Shakespeare once said: "It's better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography."

   Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I'd be happy to find intelligent life here in Government first.

   My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.

   "You're beautiful. No, you're beautiful! No, No, you're Beautiful. No No No. You're beautiful." -Girls on Facebook Profile Pictures

   If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher!!

   Your Tapout shirt implies you will kick my a$$, but your fake tan says you want to do something else to my a$$

   We all have that one facebook friend that acts like it's their job to keep everyone updated on the weather, current events, and other meaningless sh!t with their status.

   #ConradMurray guilty...guess this was the way to take the attention off of MJ being a weirdo with a drug addtction

   I sent a Facebook friend request to the girl who had the party I was at last night. I immediately realized, however, that my new profile picture is of me, smiling and holding the trophy I stole from her house.

   Ladies, If you would simply make your Facebook profile pic a bikini shot, it would save me a lot of awkward stalking time.

   Liking" a picture at 2AM on Facebook is more like "I would LIKE to have sex with you.

   Son when I was young there was no wheels on suitcases, we carried them wherever we went.

   The transformation of Facebook into MySpace is almost complete.

   Like my Great Grandmother always used to say,,,, 'Marry someone who will love you for your posts and not your profile banner.'

   Wearing socks is as close as I'll ever get to mopping.

   i have never faked a Sarcasm in my life