Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coffee's poured? Check. Facebook's running? Check. So far so good. Now I'm ready for the day to go to hell as usual.

   The ONLY thing I miss about being a teenager is being able to legally punch other teenagers.

   Only you can prevent forrest fires! Seriously though because Smokey the Bear has been furloughed.

   Sea salt is healthier only because it gets stuck in the holes of the shaker and you can't actually put it on your food.

   The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.

   The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.

   Buy a "World's Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.

   *Putting gas in car... $19.97... *stops..(gently).. $ 19.98... (very gently)... $19.99... *Ok, once more...(deep breath).... $37.63... GODDAMMIT

   Can you imagine the media coverage had the Virginia shooting taken place with the races flipped? Sad to see how biased the media is. I guess #whitelivesdontmatter, right?

   The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.

   Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 guys...that's the limit.

   Some of you ask me how I spend my valentines day: Naked, on the floor with a bottle of liquor in my hand, Screaming Adele songs to my cat.

   Fat women want to be thinner. Thin women want bigger boobs. Big-boobed women want clothes to fit better. And you know what men want? Women.

   When a woman says "We need to work on our communication" what she means is you need to listen to what I want and not share your opinion on the matter.

   What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile.

   I was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.

   dont be a woman that needs a man, be a woman a man needs

   Not guilty? This is the worst episode of Law & Order ever.

   Dear clever comeback, please come to me BEFORE the argument is over.

   Does homeowner's insurance cover Kool-Aid Man damage?