Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks what is wrong with you.

   Has anyone ever tried to lead Sarah Jessica Parker to water?

   Here is Spike Lee's Address 1 Dumbass Way DouchBag, Indiana 666666 Feel free to terrorize him.

   My bucket list is still half Original Recipe,,, and half Extra Crispy.

   I'm still waiting for the episode of Extreme Home Make Over where they demolish a hobo's cardboard box and build him a crate...

   male bats have highest rate of h0m0sexuality of any mammal, WELL THAT EXPLAINS EDWARD

   Target raises deodorant prices to keep Walmart clientele away.

   How do you keep a blonde occupied for a few hours? Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

   Christmas shopping for your parents isnt easy. I mean, what DO you buy someone who has the perfect gift. Like me, for example

   Theres always that cart at walmart with an oval wheel. I'm all like "I wanna go look at games!" but its like "Nah b!tch, we're going to produce"

   hors d'oevures now there is a word that snooty people like to use regularly, most of us just say "snacks" and we survive the holidays just fine.

   A bipolar police officer would be awesome at playing good cop, bad cop.

   Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I'll take lookout.

   Reason #258 I hate people... Kim Kardashian’s mobile game is making $29,166 per hour. That's right, she's making more than a lot of Americans are per second. Just for being some kind of high class pass around slut for rappers! Come and get it Kanye...

   The killer of the Pennsylvania Trooper was handcuffed and transported to jail with the dead Trooper's handcuffs and police car, maybe they can shoot him with the Trooper's GUN !

   Male camel toe? Dude that's just nuts.

   People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow

   anyone here with one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have

   On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.

   Just heard someone on the porch, hopefully this is just a home invasion and not some unexpected company