Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fine don't text me back then. It's not like I'm obsessively checking my phone or anything.

   thinks that if you see someone healthy parking in a handicapped zone, when they exit their car, you should be able to make an honest person out of them!

   Snow Tip: The other people out shoveling are called "neighbors." They are like Facebook friends who live nearby.

   I'm on a 30 day diet. So far I've lost 15 days.

   Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

   My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   I personally know that being stupid is its own reward

   White Chocolate Milk. Tell me your mind wasn't blown just now...

   "Let's save this so we can throw it away in few days" - Tupperware

   Watching CNN coverage of Irene, reporter is standing holding on for dear life... ready to fall over from the wind... 75lb. girl walks by with her ipod on walking her dog and not even off balance. AMERCIA at its best!

   Turns out, if your boss is mad at you, playing a surprise game of "Got Your Nose" will NOT ease the tension.

   Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner

   Now my friends all hate me because I've been keeping my enemies closer.

   When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up its the same thing as having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.

   To the lady I just read about in the personal ads. It's all in how you word things. Don't say you are divorced and have 3 kids. Say you are experienced and have 3 tax deductions.

   I don't keep a gun in my house but I do have a carefully positioned cactus.

   I find it hard to sing the Beach Boys without using my "girl" voice.

   When someone says ¨ I'm so pissed off I can't even think straight anymore¨ does that mean they are having homosexual thoughts?

   Paperclip: The staple for people with commitment issues.

   Donald Trump is no longer president. If you're still talking about him, then it sounds like you have an unhealthy obsession with Trump but ok.