Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After refreshing for hours, I just realized that this might be the new layout..

   You should have told me that your love has an expiration date.

   The phrase "This sh*t is bananas" probably originated from the guy who had to clean out the monkey cage at the zoo.

   I like rice,,,especially when I'm in the mood for like 2000 of something...

   here is how you fix the problem in Egypt, someone get dressed like MOses and go to the president and say "let my people go" .... hey it worked before =)

   Gonna steal one of those "No interest for 12 months" signs from a store...and hang it on my life.

   when I got pulled over, the cop said he clocked me doing 75 mph in 55 mph zone. I asked "WHERE D'YA GET THAT APP?"

   Mondays are middle finger approved

   Someone needs to uninvent the internet so we can all start getting some stuff done.

   I'm humored that libya produces less than 2 percent of the worlds oil but speculation has put it roughly 30 percent up at the pump in the past weeks. But what do I know

   As we grow up, we don't lose friends, we just learn who the real ones are.

   e-harmony proves that even people who wear shorts, dress socks and sandals CAN find true love.

   today's weight loss tip: use super glue as lipgloss...

   My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

   Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business again.

   I don't believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.

   New Yorkers get such a bad rap for being rude. I was visiting relatives in Manhattan, and some guy walked up to me and asked, "Excuse me,can you tell me how to get to the Empire State Building, or should I just go f**k myself?"

   it rude to give a copy of photoshop at a baby shower? It's just that I know what both parents look like they're gonna need it

   “Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..

   "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." - Steve Jobs