Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Richardmooney26 Sucks! ...and that's all I'm going to say.

   Ok, Time to play word scrabble. "PNEIS"! Did you get spine? Like hell you did, you pervert

   I wish I could type my mood into my iPod and it would make a playlist for me.

   If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me

   I put a bumper sticker on the back of my car that said "Honk if you have a small Pe nis" then intentionally cut everyone off in traffic.

   My new nickname at work should be "Laxative" cause I make sh*t happen.

   You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.

   FACT... Girls that smoke are 20X more likely to put something else dirty in their mouths.

   As I get older, I've learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I'm drunk.

   I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.

   Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor's coupons?

   A black James Bond? Wouldn't work.... He'd be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

   This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: "Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken."

   BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.

   Hey fellas what's that called when your wife wakes up horny? Never. It's called never.

   A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.

   Women get $5000.00 for donating eggs. Men get fifty bucks for donating sperm. Fifty bucks? I got a towel next to the bed that's worth $200,000.00

   When I was a child, I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to Christmas so I'd know exactly what to expect. Although I never did receive that Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000.

   An Australian kiss is same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

   Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.