Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

   Zombie squirrels will feast on your nuts.

   1:00 in the afternoon and no one is on xbox live? What do people have to do this early in the morning that's sooo important you can't play call of duty?

   Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....

   If you're ever feeling down on your appearance, remember: even the ugliest potato can become a beautiful French fry

   I don't have a horse running in the Derby but my money is on Sarah Jessica Parker.

   I'm gonna celebrate Cinco de Mayo the traditional way by jumping over my neighbors wall and doing some landscaping for $2.50 an hour.

   So far,,, I've spent 300% of this week exaggerating.

   "You know, I wish I'd never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo

   "Be careful when you follow the Masses. Sometimes the 'M' is silent."

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy,,, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   The Scariest Horror Movies of All Time 1. The Exorcist 2. Psycho 3. The View on ABC

   We need to start naming hurricanes after rappers. People might evacuate quicker if they know hurricane Ghostface Killah is coming.

   Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov't gets $40...

   Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

   What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where's Corn Pop?

   I been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don't think being an adult is gonna work for me.

   I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.

   Has this become a current affairs f0rum? I miss the good jokes.

   Hey,,, People who drive old retired cop cars........ NOBODY likes you either.