Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't even know how to spell anymore. I type the 1st half of the word and wait for auto correct to do the rest.

   Don't you wish you go back in time to your high school/college year and tell your younger self "Whatever you do, do NOT sleep with that girl"

   I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into her again.

   We need a set time limit for when people can say "long story short," because it usually comes WAY too late.

   I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?

   Okay people, if you are driving a small car, and are not towing a trailer or driving a semi; you have no business coming into the left lane to negotiate a right turn

   Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly . . . on a broomstick. We're flexible that way.

   thinks Toyota should change its motto from "Moving Forward" to "MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!"

   they always say there are more fish in the sea, they seem to forget about the crabs

   would like to sublease his FB wall. He's still trying to find a way to make money here.

   Im sure that 24 year old playmate model is not at all interested in Hugh Hefner's money. In fact if he were just a typicaly average senior citizen quite certain she would be equally in love with him. Did I mention I speak fluent sarcasm?

   a Japanese Atheist. He doesn't believe in Godzilla.

   Disappointments are Inevitable but misery is optional. ;)

   Does anyone have a clean slate to spare... I'm all out.

   When I grow up I'd like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."

   Every time I try to accelerate in my little Honda there's a voice that says, "Your request for speed has been received, and is very important to us. We are working diligently to provide great customer service. Current wait time is...five...minutes."

   I've realized that when taking care of really drunk friends, I have to treat them like they're 5-year-olds. "Mmm this water is so delicious! You want to try some?" And the funny thing is, it works. "Yeah, give me some of that sh*t!"

   Needs a weekend for my weekend

   It's not always rainbows and butterflies. It's compromise that moves us along.

   Those who say you only fall in love once must not have a FB, cause I see ALOT of PPL falling in love like every other week with a new person!! .. and if this offends you, maybe you need to take a look at your situation.