Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being single is better than being lied to, cheated on, and disrespected.

   : Forecast for the weekend - On Friday, mild alcoholism with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement close to midnight on Saturday. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.

   Facebook prank #23: Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on...

   Google search the word "BLAP" & have a laugh!!!

   Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

   Beauty and the Beast is my favorite story that teaches kids that if you're ugly, hold a girl against her will & she'll eventually love you.

   First olympic sailing result just in. GB have taken gold, Australia have taken silver and Somalia have taken the boat

   So many things that younger generations aren't able to do now: make prank phone calls, play outside at all hours, tell time, tie shoes.

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood. Neat huh!

   I guess North Korea's illustrious leader is too stupid to realize if he launches an attack, North Korea will be wiped from the map.

   MLM’s such as "Nerium Internationa"l are the modern day equivalent of snake oil peddlers

   If your status update contains the words, “I know 99% of you won't repost this,” there is a 99% chance you're an idiot.

   A North Korean man announce yesterday that his Dog gave birth to a 1/2 Dog 1/2 Cat offspring! Also referred to in Korea as the #2 ''Combo''!!!

   Somebody needs to invent an alarm clock that releases the smell of bacon.

   Women are the only people who can go out broke and come home drunk.

   My ex said she left me because of my short attention span. Unbeknownst to her I actually…damn that’s a cool ass word right? Unbeknownst.

   What's the difference between pick and choose? Pick is when you make a decision about something & Choose is what Puerto Rican women wear on their feet!

   A lot can happen in 2mins during football.. Like 47 useless commericals..For instance..

   I saw my ex go kiss her new boyfriend I shouted, "Hey! That's been on my pen!s!"

   There isn't enough make-up in the world to cover-up crazy!!!