Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear lady with 4 screaming children at the supermarket.. I would like to either discipline your children or slap you in the face for not learning to control them..

   The nutritional facts on a box should just tell you the amount of exercise needed to burn off what you're about to eat.

   Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.

   F*CK! I'm so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.

   As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..

   Lazy Rule #14: If you drop the ice cube, just kick it under the fridge or the stove...

   That's the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good life.

   The proper skirt length is at least 2 inches below your cellulite.

   Bring a bolt to an amusement park. Get on a roller coaster with a person who looks terrified. When the ride starts, hold up the bolt and say, "Wait...where did this come from?"

   Ladies, enough with the mind games. If you like a boy, grab his hand and shove it down your pants!

   just dropped skittles in the toilet and flushed....... it was like a 10 second Nascar race

   Finally got my "My Kid Knocked Up Your Honor Roll Student" bumper sticker in the mail.

   She tried keeping up with the Kardashians, but now it burns when she pees.

   I'm pretty sure that if more states had legalized marijuana, Twinkies would have been saved.

   All I'm saying is black actors never adopt poor white babies. Pretty selfish, blactors.

   Kanye should’ve interrupted Miley’s performance to say that Beyonce’s as$ would look better in those shorts.

   I think instead of "LOL"....Im gonna go with "SALTS" (Smiled a little then stopped). Its more truthful

   what would the world be like if everyone went back to their own country?

   Ask your doctor if "Shutting the Hell Up" is right for you.

   it considered cheating if you have to kiss your boss' ass?