Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to impress a woman: kiss, hug, compliment, love, tease, protect, listen, support. How to impress a man: Show up NAKED with BEER!!!

   I may still be single but I know that I have saved a lot of money on a wedding and even more on the divorce.

   A religious man is one who feels repentant on a Sunday, for what he did on Saturday and will do again on Monday.

   My wife thinks I'm at work. My boss thinks I'm home sick. These ducks think I'm awesome because I have the bread.

   Sometimes I squirt mayonnaise across my breasts so I don't forget what it's like to have a boyfriend.

   I'm still waiting for the day that I will actually use x² + why +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y - 5Z ³= k= 9 in real life

   There are four stages of life; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.

   You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...

   used to have super powers but the psychiatrist took them all away.

   .....why does bottled water have a use by date on it if it's been trickling down mountains for hundreds of years???

   Destiny may decide who touches your Life ~ Your heart may decide who touches your Soul ~ But...Tequila decides who touches your body

   I just found out c.ock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.

   It's kinda bullsh*t how humans have to obey all these laws while bears get to eat whoever they want.

   Sometimes it's hard to know know what to say to cheer someone up who's going through a rough patch in their life. Turns out letting them stare at my cleavage is enough.

   The easiest way to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

   What has the world come too? I over heard some people talking. A 15 yr old girl said "I'm pregnant" and I think it was her aunt who said "Congratulations". Are you serious? Congrats? How about you just ruined your life, you dumbass wh0re

   I can't tell if the vegetarians upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

   Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…

   I heard a guy complaining how expensive his wedding is costing him. Boy, he is gonna be real pist when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost

   Whoever cast J-Lo in the movie "Anaconda" was a genius, because anacondas don't want none unless you got buns, hun.