Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today's random act of kindness: feeding pepperoni slices to our vegan neighbor's 3 year old, through the mail slot.

   "Domino's Pizza is now made with real cheese"........ WTF were you using before!

   U love someone and you marry someone else. The one you marry becomes ur wife and the one you love becomes the password of your email

   You should be with someone who ,even on your bad day, still thinks the sun shines out of your ass

   Cocaine is never a solution. Unless of course, you dissolve it in water.

   flipping channels and saw a girl I hooked up with about a year ago on the Maury show talking about she had only been with two guys and she was 100% he was the father of her baby. It was hilarious! I stopped laughing when Maury said you are not the father.

   Happy Single-Awareness Day!

   I didn't realize until Facebook that most of my friends are wannabe farmers, gangsters or cooks.

   if you poke, please poke responsibly

   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

   If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

   One of my pet peeves is women who don't put the toilet seat back up when they're finished.

   It's impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.

   if dill was a cookie flavor, would the batter be called "dill dough"?

   Dear men who are smart and hot and madly in love with me: Please start existing.

   finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They're God's way of making us slap ourselves.

   A cop pulls a guy over for weaving in traffic. He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin?" The driver says, "You buyin?"

   WHEW! I just had a near-work experience...

   When deciding which self-checkout line to stand in, I don't look to see how many items they have, I look to see how intelligent they look.

   I'm going to replace my car horn with machine gun audio.