Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.

   Why is it "romantic" when Aladdin sings A Whole New World while flying on a carpet but "pathetic" when I sing it while laying on a bath mat?

   They will never find that missing airliner. By now it is safely tucked away in Kim Jong-un's garage.

   I just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.

   That's right,, Doctor Smug, I DO drink eight glasses of water a day.... I just filter them through coffee grinds first.

   I don’t know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.

   Just once I'd like a doctor to tell me I'm not getting enough beer in my diet.

   The Grammys would be awesome if it was actually about celebrating the best artists in the country. Instead it is just about which ones get the most corporate sponsorship and sound the most generic.

   Nike: Just Do It. Crocs: Just Don't.

   I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.

   Why don't they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

   Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.

   When I'm bored I like to call in sick to places I don't work for. I'm getting written up at Home Depot

   I have never seen a funnier headline than "Apple Releases Instructions for Deleting U2 Album It Provided for Free"

   Guy ahead of me at the ATM left his receipt and my balance is higher, so yeah, today is a good day after all!!

   I only use 10% of my brain,,, because the other 90% is busy regretting saying "You too!" to the waiter after he said "Enjoy your meal."

   BREAKING NEWS: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags...People who love picking up dog crap with their bare hands rejoice.

   You can't call it "Doggy Style" unless you scratch behind her ears and ask, "Now who's a good girl" after you finish.

   But seriously guys, ,,,, almost every time I've had cake I've eaten it, too.....................so