Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Personally, I don't find swearing offensive. I think it adds character & emphasis to a conversation. I do find, backstabbing, lying, cheating and screwing people over offensive, but not swearing.

   Remember, everyday is a gift from God. Except Mondays, the Devil sneaks that one in

   I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.

   Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don't want to look like a dork.

   I was walkin past my neighbours white van that was covered in dirt ,someone had wrote on it, "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van." I just couldn't help myself from writing, " She is... When your at work

   To the brave souls who lost their lives tragically 9 years ago today.. may you never be forgotten R.I.P

   I thought this Mexican Restaurant was closed because only 1 car was in the parking lot, but it was completely packed inside!

   Do you think that illegal immigration is a real problem?          A. Yes------- 20%          B.  No-------- 10%          C. No comprende---70%

   I read a caption in the paper the other day. The caption read, "In the time it takes you to finish reading this sentence, 20 people will have died of hunger." How the hell do they know how fast I read? I had to read it again. I killed 40 f*cking people.

   Wish we could be like bears, get all fat eating good food in the fall, hibernate all winter, and be all skinny for summer... Then do it all over again

   Dear McDonald's Cashier, Don't look at me like that. Last time I checked, there was NO age limit on Happy Meals.

   Girls spend too much time trying to look nice and not enough time trying to act nice.

   I was at the pool earlier and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

   It is scientifically proven that a woman can be satisfied with only 8.5 cm. - and it doesn't matter if the card is Visa or Mastercard...

   Husband gets "I Love You" tattooed on his penis. He goes home to show his wife. His wife says "There you go again trying to put words in my mouth"

   Dear Facebook Staff, I really dont like the fact that my wife can now see what I post on my girlfriends page.

   Mexican and black jokes are pretty much all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

   How are poor people SO GOOD at finding money for tattoos???

   Because of cell phones, kids today will never know what it's like to choke their friends with a phone cord.

   There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.