Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So now like 30% of our national security database is cat pictures, right?

   .... Tonight I went to a gunfight and the BET Awards broke out......

   I don't understand the fuss about Justin Bieber puking on stage. It's normal. It happens to me every time he comes on the radio.

   Sometimes, when I don't want my wife to find something,,, I put it in her purse.

   No one can text faster than a pissed off woman

   Economists are predicting that "black Friday" sales figures will pale in comparison to "the Mayans were wrong Saturday " sales figures...

   I am pretty pissed that the NSA is monitoring 75% of our Internet traffic, and yet still hasnt responded to my invitation to Candy Crush.

   Pay attention to me boy,,,, Now if something looks like crap,, smells like crap,, and tastes like crap,, You should have stopped at just smelling it.

   Not all mushrooms give you an extra life.

   Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I tried to ride a bike when I was stoned I ended up in a hedge.

   Grandma learned that 50 Shades of Grey... was not a book about hair colour!

   I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."

   "Just because you Can't dance, doesn't mean you Shouldn't dance." - Alcohol.

   I've found that the things I'm most interested in aren't really in my best interest.

   Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

   I think next time I'll go ahead and press "2" for Spanish. Maybe I'll actually get someone who speaks English better than the person on the "English" damn line.

   Im the type of person who enjoys making people: cringe, blush, and shake their head when reading my status!

   I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.

   I hate when men stare at me. It's like, can't a girl use the urinal in peace?

   Dear Internet Users, Someday, you're going to regret not reading me... Sincerely, Terms & Conditions.