Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only difference between Mcdonald's and my work is Mcdonald's has only got one clown running the show..

   I switched to Herbal Essence shampoo and sadly discovered that I do not have a G-Spot on top of my head like those women in the commercial.

   Loser cleans up the yard signs.....

   Why isnt there any black friday deals at the liquir store....

   Why did the chicken cross the roa... *thump*thump* Nevermind.

   If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee!

   Since the world is ending in 2012, I've decided to buy everything at places with a "Don't pay until 2013" plan.

   My anti-aging face cream gave me acne. No need to go that young, L'Oreal.

   Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

   Nothing says "I don't have a mode of transportation" like being the dude hugging another dude on the back of a Harley.

   The best things in life are free...for now, wait until the government finds a way to tax you on that!

   I'm calling in blind this morning. I can't see myself going into work today.

   Sociologists say San Francisco's birth rate is projected to decline sharply in the next decade. I'm actually rather surprised San Francisco has a birth rate.

   I'm thinking about suing the US postal service over their slogan "If it fits~It ships".... If that were true I'd be on my way to Hawaii right now.....

   The Social Network...Probably the first time I've actually read the book before I saw the movie ...

   Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.

   So you REALLY have no clue how stupid you look with your over sized pants (with a belt) hangin so low. Really?

   is putting out an APB for a large orange orb that gives off light, warmth and occasional melanoma. Last seen 10 days ago. Goes by the nickname "sunny." Call 1-800-4SPRING if found.

   so F'n tired of those cheesy Old Navy mannequin commercials!!! Are they really hurting for money that they cant pay real actors????

   I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.