Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the greeter at Walmart should apologize to you when you walk in the door.

   Next time someone tells you "Anything is Possible", tell them to go slam a revolving door...

   Donald Trump always looks like he's just opened a really hot oven.

   I like how ninja turtles wear masks. Good way to hide your identity. It's not like you're a giant turtle or anything.

   Dogs: OMG YOU'RE HOME! I LOVE YOU!!! Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty...fill it..I'll be on the couch.

   People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.

   Why did the chicken cross the roa... *thump*thump* Nevermind.

   If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee!

   Since the world is ending in 2012, I've decided to buy everything at places with a "Don't pay until 2013" plan.

   I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

   "Release the hounds" sounds so much more badass than "let the dogs out".

   CoD...... Keeping teenage pregnancy down, since 2003.\

   General Motors is poised to become “the success story” of the recession. GM said it wants to thank those who made its recovery possible: Toyota's brakes, Toyota's steering, and Toyota's accelerators!

   Was always told to practice the Golden Rule-treat others like I wanted to be treated...so I spanked you and pulled your hair.

   My anti-aging face cream gave me acne. No need to go that young, L'Oreal.

   Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

   Nothing says "I don't have a mode of transportation" like being the dude hugging another dude on the back of a Harley.

   The best things in life are free...for now, wait until the government finds a way to tax you on that!

   is putting out an APB for a large orange orb that gives off light, warmth and occasional melanoma. Last seen 10 days ago. Goes by the nickname "sunny." Call 1-800-4SPRING if found.

   so F'n tired of those cheesy Old Navy mannequin commercials!!! Are they really hurting for money that they cant pay real actors????