Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the greeter at Walmart should apologize to you when you walk in the door.

   Next time someone tells you "Anything is Possible", tell them to go slam a revolving door...

   Donald Trump always looks like he's just opened a really hot oven.

   I like how ninja turtles wear masks. Good way to hide your identity. It's not like you're a giant turtle or anything.

   Dogs: OMG YOU'RE HOME! I LOVE YOU!!! Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty...fill it..I'll be on the couch.

   People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.

   Why did the chicken cross the roa... *thump*thump* Nevermind.

   If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee!

   Since the world is ending in 2012, I've decided to buy everything at places with a "Don't pay until 2013" plan.

   My anti-aging face cream gave me acne. No need to go that young, L'Oreal.

   Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

   Nothing says "I don't have a mode of transportation" like being the dude hugging another dude on the back of a Harley.

   The best things in life are free...for now, wait until the government finds a way to tax you on that!

   I'm calling in blind this morning. I can't see myself going into work today.

   Sociologists say San Francisco's birth rate is projected to decline sharply in the next decade. I'm actually rather surprised San Francisco has a birth rate.

   I'm thinking about suing the US postal service over their slogan "If it fits~It ships".... If that were true I'd be on my way to Hawaii right now.....

   The Social Network...Probably the first time I've actually read the book before I saw the movie ...

   Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.

   So you REALLY have no clue how stupid you look with your over sized pants (with a belt) hangin so low. Really?

   is putting out an APB for a large orange orb that gives off light, warmth and occasional melanoma. Last seen 10 days ago. Goes by the nickname "sunny." Call 1-800-4SPRING if found.