Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i'm going to take a pic of my son and use age progression to see what he looks like at 16. I'll keep it in his room, and when he finally figures out its him, I'm gonna try and convince him he's a time traveler

   I'm not ignoring you, I'm denying your existence.

   After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it's true calling: helping people wink online. ;-)

   I hate these frozen TV dinners that gotta make things so complicated. Lets see... microwave on medium for 4 minutes then stir potatoes.... Stir potatoes???? Do I look like Wolfgang Puck?

   Men would cuddle more often if women smelled like bacon

   Songs with sirens in them should not be allowed on the car radio as they trick me when i'm driving.

   Happy "Romantically Challenged" Day.

   My FB account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

   The words there, their, and they're do NOT mean the same thing.

   I've just bought a new boomarang; took me 3 weeks to throw the old one away!

   This Green Mountain Coffee is said to have "Spellbinding complexity, intense flavor and strong character." What the hell? I'm looking for a caffeine jolt, not a soulmate...

   A woman walks up to the golf pro at her country club and complains that something must be done about the bees on the course. "Where did you get stung?" he asks. "Between the first and second holes," she says. "Well then, your stance is too wide."

   We all have a family member who think they're a professional photographer.

   You know you're short when you can see your feet in your driver's license!

   Some girls need to realize that having fat on their bodies doesn't make them fat - it makes them alive.

   If Kanye didn’t sing “Gold Digger” while Kim walked down the aisle, I’m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding

   When a woman says shes, "old fashioned" I just assume she wears giant underwear and has a tremendous amount of pubic hair.

   People who cancel their Facebook account are the real heroes.

   If silly putty would have applied itself, it could have been serious putty.

   Oh sweetie, 19 year olds aren't "hot moms". Your just a teenager that got knocked up. Try again when you're 40.