Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The guy in line next to me at Walmart is buying a 12 pack and a Snuggie. Wonder how his social life is going.

   Women hate being treated different than men, until there's a hostage situation and woman and children are let go first.

   I don't play "Hard To Get" , I play "It's Never Going To Happen"

   Don't confuse your path with your destination. Just because it's stormy now doesn't mean you aren't headed for sunshine.

   That woman's husband on the cover of TIME looks awfully young.

   The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

   I hate it when a shower only has two options, either 3rd degree burns or skinny dipping in Antarctica.

   Wonder if the government is going to issue fuel stamps to the needy, I need to be on that program.

   Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have a few things I need to confess: I let the dogs out, I stole the cookies from the cookie jar, I hacked play station, I was on Navy Seal Team 6 and YES I did cause global warming.

   i cant belive they actually thought they predicted the end of the world...When mankind can barely predict a 5 day weather forecast....This is some bull sh*t!

   Just when you think you've finally hit the bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

   Made it through another day without having to know karate.

   Dear Facebook, Every time I add a girl you ask me "Do you know her?" Mind your OWN Business!

   It's been years since I've seen Dora The Explorer... I think she got deported.

   If it's your birthday in November, then you know your parents really enjoyed Valentine's Day...

   When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country...It's a whole different way of thinking.

   sorry for anyone in a cab right now.......awkward!!!!!

   Problem with voting for Trump is that you don't know what you're going to get. Problem with Hillary is that you do.

   Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I'm having scrambled eegs

   You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.