Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Nothing but Ben Affleck/Batman crap. Why the hell am I even here??" -NSA guy

   Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.

   This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik's Cube. If you kids don't know what a Rubik's Cube is, it's what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones.

   If we wait patiently, eventually we'll all play Batman in a movie.

   Am I the only one that thinks the "Affluenza" Mom looks a heck of a lot like Carrot Top?

   ..... Judging by the way some women wear makeup it's rather obvious they didn't excel at coloring as a kid ....

   GERMAN. Scientist "I've created super broccoli to fight heart disease"... U.S. Scientist "I've created a way to stuff an oreo inside another oreo"

   As I admired my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I'm going to get kicked out of this Home Depot any minute now."

   Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."

   I wanna get rich enough to say to someone "nonsense, you can stay in our guest house"

   Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.

   My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"

   LinkedIn is just a dating site for people with a job right?

   I'm in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy

   you ever had a job where you would just sit on the toilet just to kill time?

   I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company's Board of Directors.

   Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*

   In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.

   I know the voices aren't real but they have some great ideas.

   Protip: If your turkey tastes like bird flavored jello, it is undercooked.