Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationships are like a card game. You start off with 2 Hearts and a Diamond, then end up wishing you had a Club and Spade.

   The least they can do while screwing me at the gas pump is to pull my hair!!!

   I am so clever sometimes I don't even understand what I'm saying.

   you're not drinking alone if there's a mirror in the room right?!

   Feb 15, time to go back to not loving each other.

   Wow, just drove by the gas station and the guy changing prices has a chair camping out...no good can come of this!!

   I just awesomed all over the place.

   That awkward moment when someone you don't like sends you a friend request, then you decline. Then they send another one.

   ever stand there, making a pot of coffee, look at the coffee grounds and consider doing a line or two of em just to jump start the day? Yep, it's that kinda day !!!

   Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.

   When you love someone you check and recheck and then check again to make sure it's them you're sending a text to.

   FYI: If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

   Thanks for "Checking In". Now I know the place to avoid.

   If you die in a manner that leaves your body unrecognizable they identify you by your dental records; if they don't know who you are, how in the world would they know who your dentist is?"

   can't seem to come up with anything clever this morning, apparently the voices in my head have decided to sleep in.

   thinks the NFL should stop giving complimentary cutlery sets to the players wives and girlfriends.

   The EPA has released that they are going to fine the United States Navy for dumping a piece of shot into the ocean

   People Dont Leave bad Companies, But they leave Bad Bosses

   You know you're country when you use a horse trailer to move.

   I honestly think that women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.