Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people live life in the fast lane. I have decided that I live it in oncoming traffic at night with no lights on. Welcome to my world, buckle up.

   Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

   How does that old saying go.. Nice guys finish, In their hand?

   duck....duck...duck...grey goose!

   some people were dropped as babies. clearly, you were thrown against a wall.

   How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?

   Whenever I get a message that begins with "Hey Stranger" I know I'm about to be asked for a favor by someone I don't want to help.

   So we just spent $4 billion on an election about "too much spending?"

   The person who coined the phrase "Laughter is the best medicine" probably never received Demerol during his hospitalization.

   Relationships are like a card game. You start off with 2 Hearts and a Diamond, then end up wishing you had a Club and Spade.

   Poodles aren't as absorbent as they look.

   Every time I lose my phone, it's always on either silent or vibrate. How convenient…

   The least they can do while screwing me at the gas pump is to pull my hair!!!

   I am so clever sometimes I don't even understand what I'm saying.

   you're not drinking alone if there's a mirror in the room right?!

   I like the night sky more than anything else in this world, its the only place where chaos is so peaceful.

   I wonder what would happen if a witness is asked to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth and they say no?

   Feb 15, time to go back to not loving each other.

   Wow, just drove by the gas station and the guy changing prices has a chair camping out...no good can come of this!!

   I just awesomed all over the place.