Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm fairly certain people are out there deliberately driving their cars around slow & aimlessly with the sole purpose of f*cking with me

   My inability to use emoticons correctly is really getting me down :)

   Just got a chance to listen to my voicemails. I was pretty popular in 2009.

   We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.

   how come everything on a cereal box becomes 10 times more interesting to read when you're eating cereal?

   I have a great sense of humor... --If you don't believe me, look at my Ex!

   There's something about the Smart Car that makes me want to beat it up and take it's lunch money.

   Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.

   It bothers me that one day a future generation with all-digital textbooks will look back and laugh at us for having to carry 40-pound backpacks in high school.

   going to write a meaningful new Facebook status update, filled with deep, thoughtful sentiments, but screw that.

   Carry yourself like a queen and you'll attract a king. Carry yourself like a hoe and see how far you'll go.

   Sure it's flattering and weird at the same time, but you need to stop thinking of me when you masturbate...

   Ok, TV coroners. We get it. You're comfortable around dead bodies. You can stop putting your sandwiches on them.

   in the latest News: Officials found a cell phone under Charles Manson's mattress...and you thought getting a text from Brett Favre was weird.

   recommended by 4 out of 5 ex-girlfriends.

   If I ever open a knife factory, I'd employ nothing but EMO kids...I'd never have to worry about them reporting an on-the-job injury....

   the problem with being punctual is that there is rarely anyone there to appreciate it

   so who has actually used trigonometry since they left school?

   says: Is it just me or do all the people in "The Snuggie" commercials look like they are in a cult???

   Why is it that, in a world full of silicon chips, hand held computers, waterproof paper, and manned space travel, can I not get the little chain to stay attached to the drainage plug in the back tank of my toilet seat