Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Walked into the bank today and asked the teller if she could check my balance… She leaned over and pushed me.

   Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're f*cked.

   Save the Earth, it's the only planet with Chocolate

   My left buttcheek fell asleep. I'm Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.

   It's embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn't sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing

   I shouldn't have had that 14th cup of coffee... I CAN'T EVEN BLINK ANYMORE!

   Sometimes, I intentionally wait a few minutes before I "comment" on a FB friends "comment" about my status just so they think that I actually do something else besides stare at my computer all day

   My wife is driving me crazy with nagging! I came back from the store with the list she gave me and now she's all on my case because I forgot ONE little kid.

   Quick!! Someone make a status update about tomorrow being Monday and how you're already counting down the days until the weekend is here...

   Was about to put on my white jeans then realized ITS AFTER LABOR DAY! Phew, what a fashion mistake that would had been! So I put on my neon green parachute pants instead.

   If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.

   What happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas. It ends up on Facebook.

   Yes Officer...I did see the Speed Limit sign...I just didn't see YOU...

   I hold my Nintendo gun sideways when I'm playing Duck Hunt cause I'm a Gangsta!

   So Osama Bin Ladens dead....Amazing what Americans can do when playstation network is down

   Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth

   getting to work on time only makes the day longer!

   I was so angry when I found my wife's profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn't “fun to be around.”

   Thinking about memories with my Ex makes me look forward to Alzheimers

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?