Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep it down kids,,,, Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.

   I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist..

   it's a crazy day when guys wanna see a movie about a teddy bear and girls wanna see a movie about strippers

   While laying in bed with my Husband last night, he asked me what I'd most like to do to his body. Apparently, "Identify it" was the wrong answer

   She stole my heart so I told her to keep it. Thats not the part I'm going to be needng to bang all her friends with anyway.

   My fake ID's finally ready. Can't wait to order off the kids' menu!!

   If Target sends you coupons for rope, garbage bags, and bleach, abort the mission. They know too much.

   The fact that Mitt Romney has a son named Matt Romney kinda makes you hope for 3 more sons named Mett Mott & Mutt.

   My head says, "go to the gym." But my heart says, "stay on the internet forever and eat!"

   Can you imagine the panic that ensuses when the actor who plays the Mayhem character in the Allstate commercials boards a commercial flight?

   If Facebook gets any slower, I'm just going to jog to each of your houses and shout out stuff.

   Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.

   When ever My wife is cooking, I like to walk up behind her, slowly stroke her hair and whisper into her ear... "Let's order a pizza."

   If you LOVE something, set it free.. If it comes back to you,,,,you love a boomerang

   I saw a guy fall off his bike this morning. He looked around to see if anyone saw his fall. I made sure to make direct eye contact.

   We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper

   YouTube is the only way you can see MTV playing music.

   I haven't had sex for about 1 year, 4 months, 24 days and 56 minutes. It doesn't bother me though.

   Welcome to America:You can be the valedictorian of your class, go to college, get a Doctorate's Degree, get a really good job, and you're still not going to make as much each year as Snooki.

   wonders why the trojan condom was named after something that broke through a wall & let thousands of unwanted ppl in?...terrible product naming