Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tip to reduce weight: first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right, repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

   How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It's been an hour,,,,

   I don't care if you are gay or straight, I will do my best to talk you out of getting married equally.

   My doctor said I should drink more wine. Well, he actually said "less beer", but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant...

   A thief broke into my house last night searching for 'Money' .... So I woke up and started searching with him

   A Brunette, A Blonde and a Man with Dandruff walk out of an Elevator, The Brunette says to the Blonde "Someone need's to give that guy some Head & Shoulders!" the Blonde asks "How do you give Shoulders?"

   How awesome would it would have been if David Blaine had somehow been the first one brought up out of the mine.

   69 is the Kamikaze of oral sex. "If I'm going down, you're coming with me!"

   Few people know this but Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.

   the Pope is in America with Obama and Hillary Clinton. if they don't walk into a bar, it's all for nothing!

   dont know who this lady ISIS is but she must be one crazy B ****

   I found out today that Snooki hates the nickname "Snooki" and is planning to go back to using her real name, "Danny DeVito"

   A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast.

   When comforting someone who is illiterate, I always say softly, "There, their, they're."

   There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don't tell people everything you know

   I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food's food!

   ever look at your old pillow without its case? Looks like a civil war bandage. Do our heads ooze syrup when we sleep?

   ..... Just heard that the Etch-a-Sketch art museum in DC was a total loss ...

   I'm beginning to realize that some people must actually enjoy being miserable.

   The people who deserve nothing, are handed everything.