Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.

   I'm not opposed to manscaping, but I don't see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.

   I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.

   Lesbianism is proof that size doesn't matter!!

   I'm seeing alot of couple getting joint facebook accounts and call them for example "JohnandJaneDoe". Ah, nothing says love like I don't trust you to have your own facbeook page. So, lets get one together so we can keep tabs on each other Dear.

   Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

   So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4,000 times?

   I don't understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He's better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.

   My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

   I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

   Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me...It's Sunday.

   You know you're broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!!!

   Bruce Willis is working on the 5th Die Hard movie! They should call this one ''Just kill me already!!!''

   Can you believe this guy, officer? Committing suicide in my trunk without my permission. There should be some kind of law about this.

   There's a homeless man at the ATM asking for money....... Well played homeless man......... well played

   The US Supreme Court has ruled that you have the right under the First Amendment to protest military funerals..... I invite you to start your protest in my front yard and we can see if your first amendment is better than my Second Amendment!

   Writing a poem to my wife. What rhymes with threesome?

   Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.

   Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he's not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.

   trying to decide - laundry today or naked tomorrow?