Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OMG!!! Direct TV is no longer showing Viacom channels... How am I going to watch 16 and Pregnant now? Oh.. wait.. Walmart. NEVERMIND!

   Some guy just gave me half of a peace sign.

   Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.

   I hate when I plan out a conversation with someone in my head and they don't follow the script.

   Hey lady in the other car, eating and talking on your cell phone. It's called a Ford Focus, not a Ford Multi-task.

   you are seven. Why do you have a phone? Who are you going to call....... Dora?

   I'm trying to remain humble but I'm the most famous person in my living room right now.

   The next time someone annoys you so much you just wanna slap them… Do it and say, “Mosquito” and quickly walk away.

   Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.

   If you are ever wondering who is rapping in a song, just wait 4 more seconds and he'll say his name.

   Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.

   DOCTORS WRITING: "﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏." HOW I SEE IT: "∮₪₮￦￡." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."

   Only people with sh!tty video cameras and shaky hands can see UFOs.

   You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states,"....The other state is ALWAYS Kentucky..

   We were making out on the couch and She's like "Let's take this upstairs" I'm like "Ok you grab one side and I'll grab the other!"

   If the person is ugly , you call them a stalker. If the person is goodlooking, you call them a secret admirer.

   If you're buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I'm sorry to tell you it's not working

   I refuse to watch any presidential debates until they are both hooked up to lie detectors.

   if a bra is an "over the shoulder boulder holder" then what would you call men's underwear? Under the butt nut hut?