Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she'd tried & he just wanted to get to the party

   If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.

   I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.

   there are plenty of fish in the sea, too bad i'm a shark...

   When something good happens You drink to celebrate. When something bad happens You drink to forget. When nothing happens You drink because you want something to happen.

   I am black and I still think Kanye West is the biggest Douche of the Century!

   Friends are like underwear.... Some crawl up your butt... Some snap under pressure... Some don't have the strength to hold you up... Some get a little twisted... Some are your favorite.Some are cheap & just plain nasty.And some actually do cover your butt

   "People say you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just never thought you'd lose it."

   It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That's yours now."

   I had a headache so I took a pill that gave me chest pains, dry mouth, restless leg syndrome & explosive diarrhea. But hey, headache's gone.

   Alarm clocks. Because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

   Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke.

   You know it's resolution time when someone has to stop to rest on the way up the stairs TO the gym.....

   - Oh Facebook, you go through more Design Changes than I go through Women.

   Could you put some creativity in your pics. Nobody wants to see you make the same face 8 different ways.

   If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.

   Type 'things I did last night' into google and hit the I'm feeling lucky button

   My therapist said I let other people control my emotions to much. I don't think that's true at all, what do you think?

   You've been backstabbed, rejected, unwanted, abandoned, betrayed, tricked, lied to, ridiculed, cheated on, heartbroken, defeated, and said NO to all your life...Did it kill you? Of course not...just made you stronger. USE IT.

   Facebook is like a college dormitory. No matter the hour, there's always someone up. Also, someone is drunk.