Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you hear I committed suicide, start an investigation!

   Please do me a solid and don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and extremely hard to light. -- The Janitor

   Him: Lil Wayne's in the hospital. Me: WHAT!!!! Him: Do you know who Lil Wayne is? Me: YEAH!!! Him: You're thinking of Lil John. Me: OKAY!!!

   I'm sorry, but I can't understand a word that is coming out of your mouth, I don't speak Bone Thugz N Harmony.

   What do the Smurfs and a Tiffany's diamond have in common? They both come in little blue boxes.

   I've found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

   My phone dies faster than Chris Brown on stomp the yard.

   A.W.K. moment when Pakistan does not win any medals at the Olympics for 'Shooting'

   What is the Beach Boys song Kokomo about?

   Who the hell is this "moderation" everyone keeps telling me to drink with?

   feels sorry every summer for anyone named Eve.

   Flooding, check... Earthquake, check... Hurricane, check,,,, Locusts..where are my damn locusts?......... That's it,, I'm calling the exec. producer

   Black ops 2 comes out tomorrow!! \(T^T)/

   That's because women like you are built like the Grand Canyon! (to the post below)

   the best way to get laid by a Red Lobster waitress is to tell her your the manager at Long John silvers.

   everybody..we all just need to chip in and buy195,249,054 powerball tickets that has every single number combination and we win.

   Sorry, I can't go. My sister's cousin's nephew's brother's neighbor's step son's hamster died today. It was tragic.

   If I was Asian, my name would be Jet Lag....because I'm tired all the time!

   Anyone else agree that the facebook community is comprised of 98% m0rons, and the other 2% haven't figured out a way to log on?

   if "PRO" is the opposite of "CON" then "PROgress" has to be the opposite of "CONgress