Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have 3 moods: Skip every song on my iPod, let the music play without interruption, play the same song on repeat for days

   You're not USELESS I'm just saying that 300 years ago YOU would've been the guy to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn't eat.

   Amazing the things you say you’ll never do again when your head is lying next to a toilet

   My boss told me that if I can't show up sober then don't bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!

   MTV still has VMAs? They don't even play music! The Food Network should hand out awards to top athletes then or something equally as stupid .

   Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?

   Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?

   Some of you make me wonder when the psych ward got Internet access.

   Too much of my life is spent trying to think of something to write on people's FB walls for their birthday other than "Happy Birthday!"

   My doctor gave me six months to live. I told him I couldn't pay my bill. He gave me another six months.

   Sitting here watching "Undercover Boss" thinking.. Guy shows up at your job with a camera crew, screws everything up, gets you to reveal secrets about your personal life.. If you can't figure out what's going on, there's no hope left for you..

   Just watched a girl choke on her food and this can only mean one thing, she forgot to take a picture of it first and post it on her FB wall.

   If getting into heaven is based on how many times you have tried to close the elevator door before someone else gets on, I am screwed.

   I just invented a cell phone that looks like a beer can. Now all you idiots can look cool when you take your picture in a mirror

   I can’t be what you want. I’m too busy being what I want.

   Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."

   I have no problem with you speaking your mind,,, as long as you can do it with your mouth closed.

   I'm the most responsible person I know. Whenever anything goes wrong, I'm responsible.

   When I say, "No problem," I mean, "YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOUR FOREVER."

   October 13th is No Bra Day!?!?!? it's everyday for me when I get home from work!