Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today, my recent ex-girlfriend posted a photo of herself on Facebook. It was a picture of herself in the arms of a half-naked male stripper. She posted it on my wall.

   a Golden Shower the best to show a woman that she's the one? I mean, dogs piss on things to mark THEIR territory, right?

   If a red headed man works at a bakery, Does that make him a gingerbread man?

   wishes Lebron went to The Mets.

   went into BP after getting subway. and spilled my slushy all over the floor. and yelled "YOU DONT LIKE HOW THAT FEEELS HUH!" and left.

   it's really awkward when you invite your neighbors to your Shark Week party, and then you realize that your neighbors are tuna, and they probably don't observe Shark Week.

   I'm so mean, I make my fish watch me eat pizza. And don't offer any.

   .ʇı ʎuǝp oʇ ʎɹʇ ʇ,uop .ʍou ʇɥbıɹ ʎɐʍɐ puıɯ ɹnoʎ buıʍo1q

   ~ Free Tibet! (with purchase of 2nd Tibet of equal or lesser value)

   The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old, I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

   a godfather, that's a great thing to be,He calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught him that.

   woke up this morning feeling like P-Diddy

   I made my man an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he...

   despite the clouds... last night's Eclipse was way better than the Twilight movie...

   I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die

   I'd think getting a parking spot at the Special Olympics would be tough unless you got there really early

   What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? El-if-i-no

   I am working on writing a new Dr.Suess book..."The Retailer Who Stole Thanksgiving." "He didn't care if he got to eat the jello-o cranberry ring, just so long as he got to hear the cash register sing..."

   'do you think the queen ever pulls the covers up to her chan and says "look phillip, i'm a stamp"'

   If Donald Trump cuts funding for Sesame Street how will he ever learn to read?