CS Funny Status Messages

   I choose my outfit with great care every day, because if today is the day I become a zombie, these are the clothes I'll be wearing forever.

   hopes that when the machines rise up against humanity, his toaster remembers all the good times.

   my oven doesn't need a self-cleaning mode; my *bathroom* needs a self-cleaning mode.

   fears Hurricane Earl, but only because it sounds like the prison nickname of a man wearing overalls who beat someone to death with a banjo.

   at Camp Crystal Lake, getting drunk with her best friends and running around in her underwear, and holy crap did anyone else hear that noise?

   once blinded someone with science, which, unfortunately, turned out to be an A-class felony.

   very keen on multitasking, and therefore doesn't appreciate being told which electronic products she can or cannot use while in the shower.

   when I go to Starbucks and the cashier asks me my name so the barista can call out my order, I say "Latte."

   to the two men who laughingly dismissed the cute blonde walking in front of us because "she's got muffin top": SO DO YOU, you just cleverly hide your early-30s pudge in those relaxed-fit Dockers you're wearing. P.S. You are balding.

   went to Benjamin Moore and learned that her skin color is Pueblo Sand. Which is too bad, because we're in a race war with the people who are Classic Taupe.

   my company is upgrading from Outlook 2003 to Outlook 2007, in 2010, which I fear will rip a hole in the space-time continuum.

   shouldn't *India* be the country that celebrates Columbus Day? Think of all the syphilis they avoided because that dude could not navigate his way out of a kiddie pool.

   it's really awkward when you invite your neighbors to your Shark Week party, and then you realize that your neighbors are tuna, and they probably don't observe Shark Week.

   if Mitt Romney is an Etch-A Sketch, then Rick Santorum is a Betsy Wetsy and Newt Gingrich is an EZ Bake Oven.

   knows that running the air conditioner 24/7 hurts the environment, but the Earth needs to be punished *somehow* for being so bloody hot.