Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I throw my sandwich in the air sometimes sayin "Hey Yo....I asked for mayo".

   The Germans gave us cars, The Russians gave us Vodka but The French... The French gave us threesome.

   If you think the Harbaugh or Manning brothers are competitive, wait until you meet two friends of mine, named Niles and Frasier Crane.

   Ben Carson endorsing Donald Trump is like Ambien endorsing Cyanide.

   I am going to enter the Walmart parking lot with my shotgun and shoot all the cars with the stupid friggin antlers on em!!

   My dog says that dress is grey.

   I wonder if Joan Rivers is an organ donor or a mannequin donor? ....

   I was washing my gum and my wife almost put cloths in with my gum !!!!!!! she almost ruined a whole pack !!!!! .........Gonna let it slide cause I love her

   if your neighbors call the police on you for playing loud music, just tell the cop "you can dance if you want to or you can leave your friend behind..."

   Ladies: Next time you shake a man's hand just remember you're really shaking his d*ck's best friend.

   They say you will eat approximately 23 spiders in your life,,, but really you can eat as many as you want.. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

   *walks into CVS*...."Hi, sorry I have another return. This brand of dental floss tastes like blood too."

   blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

   Narnia is a bad movie for gays...it asks you to remain in the closet for the best adventures and fun

   has a mind like a drill bit! It is twisted, and very dangerous if used improperly

   4 out of 5 midgets,,, make 2 people.

   Well, obviously we have a Santa in the North Pole. He's climbin' down yo chimney, droppin' yo' presents off Bringin' cheer so ya'll need to hang the stockings, deck the halls, and leave some cookies cuz he's visiting errrybody out there.

   Holy Crap!!! I'm watching Fox News as we speak and they just discovered bigfoot for real... wait wait.. disregard it's Chaz Bono....

   Sexual frustration should recharge phone batteries.

   I rear ended a midget with my car the other day. So he go out and looked at me and said, "Im not happy," so I asked, "So then what Dwarf are you?