Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who won??? The giant douche or the turd sandwich??!

   Just found out that the "S" in the upcoming iPhone 5S stands for "Sucker! (you just bought the 5.)"

   I have got to stop wearing my sunglasses when I go out on the boat, I'm starting to look like a raccoon

   I'm Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I'm good at cleaning.

   any one else creeped out when a grown, single man posts pictures of his dogs all the time??

   Get rich or die trying. If all else fails, start your own church.

   “I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

   I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

   Did you remember to set your clocks one hour ahead for Daylight Reappropriated Time?

   If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he’s trying to bust a move.

   I throw my sandwich in the air sometimes sayin "Hey Yo....I asked for mayo".

   The Germans gave us cars, The Russians gave us Vodka but The French... The French gave us threesome.

   If you think the Harbaugh or Manning brothers are competitive, wait until you meet two friends of mine, named Niles and Frasier Crane.

   Ben Carson endorsing Donald Trump is like Ambien endorsing Cyanide.

   I am going to enter the Walmart parking lot with my shotgun and shoot all the cars with the stupid friggin antlers on em!!

   My dog says that dress is grey.

   I wonder if Joan Rivers is an organ donor or a mannequin donor? ....

   I was washing my gum and my wife almost put cloths in with my gum !!!!!!! she almost ruined a whole pack !!!!! .........Gonna let it slide cause I love her

   if your neighbors call the police on you for playing loud music, just tell the cop "you can dance if you want to or you can leave your friend behind..."

   Ladies: Next time you shake a man's hand just remember you're really shaking his d*ck's best friend.