Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   having an out of money experience

   So I guess the movie 'Armageddon' shows that oil workers are better at destroying asteroids than stopping oil leaks

   Be sure to take the time to honor a soldier today by punching a politician in the face.

   My ceiling fan has two settings... "On" and "S#it, that's dusty."

   Men leave the house thinking someone wants to have sex with them so they pack condoms. Women think the same so they pack mace and a taser.

   What's the difference between complete and finished? When you have a beautiful girlfriend your life is complete, your wife finds out about it you're finished.

   Maury: "Darth Vader, you.... ARE the father." Luke: "Nooooo!"

   People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

   knows why boy scouts don't sell cookies. Because nobody would eat a cookie with 'BS' on it.

   disappointed in his new phone. It promised more bars in more places but all I see are the same old bars and the same old drunks.

   A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

   I don't think I'm ever going to win the lottery.. I can't even pick the pen that works from a choice of two at the lottery stand.

   all I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

   I had a fight with the wife and didn't see her for three days... Then the swelling went down and I could see her out of one eye

   If it werent for the gutter my mind would be homeless!!!

   I'm not at all ashamed to admit that I pick my hotels solely based upon the items they show in the pictures of their continental breakfast.

   One of the best feelings is cutting a person off and then having them do something to reassure you that you made the right decison.

   I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so friggin' heroic.

   It's really hard raising a child by yourself, I don't know how my T.V. does it.

   Ok who was the moron that came up with idea of the kiddie shopping carts shaped like animals,trains, race, cars or whatever! Parents do you really need to push your kids around the store in in a shopping cart bigger then the car you came to the store in!