Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The trick is to not let people know how really weird you are until it’s too late for them to back out.

   Buying someone $1 lottery ticket as a gift and tell them ..."but what if you win".... and look at them light up, while hiding the fact giving them a dollar says they are not worth it!

   "MERRY CHRITHMITH MY ATH!" ~ The kid in the Christmas song that didn't get her two front teeth.

   Am I the only person who will admit to intentionally peeing outside when it is cold just because I think it is neat to watch the steam rise?

   I was gonna have sex with you until you said you follow Justin Bieber on twitter.

   i am not getting any invites lately about any farm, fish, park, mafia or candy crush hope the people who are playing them are all ok ...

   Omaha just changed its name to East Seattle.

   Congrats to Peyton Manning for putting the "O" in "Omaha"...Like 29 to "O"!

   Your girlfriend could be dumb as anything but the minute you start arguing with her she'll turn into a lawyer with a degree from Cambridge

   Relationship status: ▫️Single ▫️In a relationship ▫️Married ▫️Engaged ▫️Divorced ▪️Waiting for a miracle ✔️

   when you're married, everybody looks good to you.

   I'm really starting to get along with this guy my wife turned me into.

   Now patiently waiting for El Chapo from Mexico to send threats to hunter Dr Palmer... Maybe he's out of Data Minutes.

   Kermit isn't getting porked tonight.

   sees influx of duck face pics. *Unholsters NES Zapper

   HEY EVERYBODY, did anyone remember to wake up Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong today? Please tell me someone remembered. Oh man, he's gonna be pissed

   What's that called when out of the blue she asks you to squeeze her cantaloupes in the grocery?

   I need a high quality Storm Trooper outfit. Not for Halloween. Just to wear around the house, go shopping in, and wear in the bedroom. Also need to get the wife an R2D2 costume for the same purpose...ok mostly for the bedroom.

   There's a closet pervert in each and every one of you. . .

   My wife found out that I was cheating. How? She found the letters I'd been hiding. She got real mad and said she'd never play Scrabble with me ever again.