Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Weebonics"- The adorable chatter of a toddler.

   just realized that it's actually called 'hang-gliding' and not 'hand-gliding'. Looks like I can put that one up on the self along with 'wheel-barrow' instead of 'wheel-barrel' and 'volley-ball' instead of 'balley-ball'

   The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

   thinking of the immortal words of Socrates who said..."I drank what?"

   Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence and then walk away as if thou hast been offended by me!

   its no reason for being romantic anymore, because in 5 years she's gonna have half of everything and he'll be with babysitter!...

   Buffalo wings? Are you insane? Those cows can't fly. It's a lie, I tell you

   Creaming my candy corn this year so if you stop by to trick or treat, bring a bowl.

   realized that if no one can reach you.....you never have to waste time returning phone calls.

   a computer allows you to make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history... with the possible exception of handguns and tequila

   loves selling stuff on the internet to people who don't know him ...he's already sold the same homing pigeon 24 times on eBay.

   #‎43210 I don't really even know who you are. You friend requested me and we know some of the same people- unless you really don't know them either. but you seem nice enough, I suppose.

   The government should stop putting warning labels on things...triggering the beginning of Darwinism of stupid ppl!

   How ironic. Mark Zuckerberg (facebook creator) is Time Man of the Year. And Facebook is the thing that takes all our time!

   hoping to be visited by the ghost of Christmas Past. That way I can go back gaze upon those great times.

   kinda bummed New Year's Eve only happens once a year... we need more alcoholidays.

   Somebody beer me stat!

   I hate grocery shopping because I'm no very good at predicting what I'm going to feel like eating in a few days.

   Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

   welcome to the Dark Side. Are you surprised that we don't have cookies?