Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.

   Mexican magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos…" *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres.

   Breaking news: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

   If you don't have a dog whistle,,,, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in a month.

   Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Glasgow yesterday. People of Glasgow did not know they had a library.

   Next time you hear a stranger give out their number text them details of what they're wearing. It's so much fun to watch them freak out

   One advantage of growing old is you don't have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.

   This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.

   The Black Eyed Peas are just regular peas that got on an elevator with Ray Rice.

   Sorry I mispronounced your baby's name you made up.

   Sometimes I walk up to a plant and exhale carbon dioxide all over it. Did I save its life? Maybe. Am I a hero? That's for history to decide.

   DOCTOR: Are you sexually active? ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven't gone off in years

   Notice seen outside a Church: Please do not leave your Purse/Watch/Handbag/Mobile/Girlfriend/Boyfriend unattended. Others may think it`s an answer to their prayers.

   When men give women roses they expect Tulips in return.

   I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses

   I wish one of the walls in my bedroom was a giant Lite-Brite.

   Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house

   "Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

   Not everyone that comes into your life needs to stay there.

   TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.