Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jeremy Lin is no flash in the Moo goo gai pan.

   There are those of us here in Central FL that don't care about the Daytona 500...or as I like to call it, The Redneck Equivalent Of The Royal Wedding.

   "911, what's your emergency?" "DO ANIMALS NAME THEIR BABIES?"

   My wife was choking so I quickly googled "how to save a life" Was a good song to drown out the noise she was making.

   My 3year old just swallowed some quarters and pennies. He seems ok now, I'll let you know if I see any change

   Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can start a fishing school. Make lots of money. Then feed your family steak.

   We need to keep kids off drugs. It's hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

   "Hey Bro, wanna go to lunch?" Sorry I can't, I'm on the Govt. Lunch Program....can't afford to eat :/

   Last year it was the ice bucket challenge. This year it's the bucket of hot coals challenge. You go first. . .

   FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE !!!........... I yelled at my gynecologist

   Dear History Channel, The Mayans were wrong.. We are not dead.. Everybody is still here. Please adjust your morning programing accordingly..

   A cop pulled me over for weaving in traffic. He walked up to my window and asks, "You drinkin?" I said, "You buyin?" We laughed and laughed. Can somebody bail me out?

   One thing we can be sure of is Adam was not a doctor. Otherwise, the apple would have kept him away.

   My son asked me what it was like to have three kids so I went into his toy room, broke all his stuff, then made him get me a beer.

   Breastfed men are better lovers, everyone knows that.

   "Didn't realize their was alot of great looking women around here!" - Me hanging out at traffic school1

   Tom Cruise is only a scientologist because all their urinals are at child height.

   Happy May the 5th is what we will be saying once Trump is elected

   Donald Trump had a fake spokesman 25 years ago, perhaps he'll have a fake cabinet after being elected President.

   "Cagefree" eggs means they've never been forced to watch every Nicolas cage movie he's made right?