Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A cop pulled me over for weaving in traffic. He walked up to my window and asks, "You drinkin?" I said, "You buyin?" We laughed and laughed. Can somebody bail me out?

   One thing we can be sure of is Adam was not a doctor. Otherwise, the apple would have kept him away.

   My son asked me what it was like to have three kids so I went into his toy room, broke all his stuff, then made him get me a beer.

   Breastfed men are better lovers, everyone knows that.

   "Didn't realize their was alot of great looking women around here!" - Me hanging out at traffic school1

   Tom Cruise is only a scientologist because all their urinals are at child height.

   Happy May the 5th is what we will be saying once Trump is elected

   Donald Trump had a fake spokesman 25 years ago, perhaps he'll have a fake cabinet after being elected President.

   "Cagefree" eggs means they've never been forced to watch every Nicolas cage movie he's made right?

   A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

   Lost in Ikea for 271 days.. Spent hellish week in labyrinth of spoon organizers & I'm now in relationship with lamp named "BÖJA"... RESCUE ME

   Dead Joan Rivers jokes are so 1933.

   Pointing out that what you are doing is dumb and is making you look like an idiot is not judging you. It’s called caring.

   ATTENTION: Cheerleading practice will be located in the vacant lot behind Kohls until further notice. Please bring pom poms and make sure you're not followed

   I see where Timbaland is getting divorced. I guess it really was "Too late to Apologize"

   Teach your kids about taxes and social security by taking 30% of their Halloween candy and promising to give part of back in 70 Years..

   You sir,,, Are a "lactose intolerant person with bee allergies".. In my, "Land of Milk & Honey"..

   If life taught me anything, it's that Mikey will eat anything...

   Remember: some days you are the pigeon, some days you are the statue.

   Just told my girlfriend to call me before she heads home so I will have time to get the beer, smoke and strippers out of here and she "thinks" I was joking.