Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   loves the smell of Friday in the morning, it smells like... WEEKEND.

   Hopefully Paris Hilton never becomes a vampire. Sure she loves the nightlife, but she'll go nuts not being able to see her refection every 10 minutes.

   Well lets see for Christmas I bought the iPhone,iPad,iTouch.... now iBroke,iHomeless and iRegret...

   If you insist on telling me about the day your child was born, then I insist you also tell me about the night it was conceived.

   Just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It's shift work.

   Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That's why most of the women put on make up and most of the men lie.

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.

   (1)Google Translate (2)Type,"Will Justin Bieber ever hit puberty" (3)Eng 2 Vietnamese (4)Copy/Paste the Vietnamese Words (5)Vietnamese 2 English

   I've decided that I will be a team player when I get paid like a pro athlete.

   has just read his wife's magazines and there seems to be two topics of major importance to women: .1) Why men are such disgusting pigs and .2) How to attract a man!

   Heres a question. If you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife switched phones and facebook profile for 24 hrs would you still have a relationship!!!!!

   Just got back from visiting the future, was disapointed you weren't there. Can't go into details, but please stay away from revolving doors, and bean dip.

   next time someone asks you if you been working hard or hardly working put your hands around their neck, squeeze really tight and say breathing hard or hardly breathing!

   I can't wait to go home and rip off my ex-girl friend's underwear!! They have been giving me wedgies all day

   hates it when he goes to a Vuvuzela concert and people start playing football...

   While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment

   it just me or everytime someone says "and one time" you are thinking "at band camp" in the back of your head...

   Nice try Folgers... but the best part of waking up is realizing it is your day off and going back to bed.

   I know I'm a few days early but I'll just go ahead and say it, anybody... I mean.. ANYBODY who says "see you next year" on New Years eve to me is getting punched in the face. FYI

   Kim Kardashian is back on the black Market.