Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I read the phrase "We've changed our privacy policy," I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

   I think some people just shouldn't be allowed to reproduce because of their IQ level.

   I'm ambidextrous; I can drink and make love equally well with either my left or right hand.

   Their truck said "on site drug screening"..... those A$$holes wouldn't let me screen a single drug..

   My Wife is so childish. She comes in the bathroom when I'm in the bath and sinks my boats.

   I'm a Hangman master when we play using binary.

   Despite the cost of living, it's still popular!

   When I see a guy tweeting nothing but sweet quotes for women, I feel bad for him. It has to suck never having a girlfriend.

   I can never tell a girl I like her so instead I climb up her window while she's sleeping and whisper how I feel while playing with her hair. Collapse

   The one thing that I'll never understand is women, tofu, yoga, and counting...

   Just watched a minute of Gossip Girl and suddenly I got a call from some Salon to confirm my manicure & pedicure appointment.

   Reading texts half asleep is like looking into the sun.

   Vodka makes the world unwound.

   sad that all it takes is a CAPTCHA to prove you're human these days

   I like when the carpet matches the drapes......and by carpet I mean Shag rug.

   I need to do something reproductive today. Happy Father's Day

   It's Sunday. If god is watching, the least you can do is be entertaining.

   A lipbite can be sexy, unless you're bitting your upper lip. Wonder how many people just tried that.

   I think I now also push people away on a subliminal level.

   You had me at "life is total B.S."